my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
