I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
