Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
