I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just high enough for therapy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
