So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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