i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
