we have pet lesbian snakes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
