The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
