from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
