Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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