Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
