ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
