The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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