Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
