Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
