if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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