so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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