Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
