too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
