I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
