How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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