he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
