I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
