Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
if only i could text you this smell
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
