Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
