so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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