He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
