You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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