That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
