Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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