I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
