Soap is not a condiment
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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