he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
