i think i scared a bird with my dick
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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