i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
