You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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