Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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