mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
