Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
