You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
