Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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