Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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