i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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