I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
