Duck Duck Cougar?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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