this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
