I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
