I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
