life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
