i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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