I feel like abortions should bother me more
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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