I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
