I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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