census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
