I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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