I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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