Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
