Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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