Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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