While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
