It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
