She is in my trunk
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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