That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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