I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
